Auld Lang Syne

One month exactly today.

I do not know whether or not I am learning new things about myself, or if I am just more aware of what has been true before. Some aspects are negative, some positive. Like most changes, this has all been a test of patience, humility, and courage, and it continues to be. I suppose I am brave, in small ways. I guess I should give myself a lot more credit. That is something very tough for me to do though and I argue with myself--about everything. I do not know if I have accomplished much so far. I try to focus on the present rather than the grand scheme of things, past or future. If I try to estimate the uncertain, 2010 will have lost all promise and isn't that the whole point of "New" in "New Year's"? The promise of what may come? The promises we make to ourselves? I never make resolutions, they are too easy to break and then we become upset with ourselves as if we have failed. I think the best anyone can do is make a vow to live to the best of our ability, with fortitude and conscientiousness.

My hope as always, is to be happy (a year from now, five or ten years from now), happy in the life I have chosen and with what has been given to me by the grace of God.

Have a blessed new year.

Comfort & Joy

I was eating a gorgeous orange the other day and reflecting on Christmas. If ever I am patient enough to go through the bother of peeling them, it is this time of year. The smell and taste of all fresh fruit has always resonated with the season for me, but especially citrus fruit. It's been a tradition in my family since I can recall, to place a ripe orange in the bottom of our stockings. The heat from the fireplace warmed it just slightly, spreading a subtle but lingering fragrance, combined with the perfume of pine and chimney smoke. It was one of my most favorite items to count on. I would cup it in my hands and hold it up to my nose for a few precious moments. Also, we used to read this children's book about a family of bears that was "scratch 'n sniff". Each page had a holiday smell: cocoa, apple pie, Christmas tree, candycane, and orange. We scratched and sniffed until it was practically gone!

Some other treasured moments: decorating the tree to Nat King Cole, Dad reading "The Polar Express" sandwiched between my sister and I on Christmas Eve, watching movies as a family, attending mass at the church we grew up in, waking up with my sister on Christmas morning, making cookies with my sister, playing in the rare Texas snow, Mom fixing breakfast in her nubby old robe...oh, so many good times.

As I have mentioned this is my first Christmas away from my family. I have plans this year that I am very excited about though. I know it was my choice and that it will not be the same, and I am admittedly saddened, but I have to remember there will be many more Christmases, God willing. After all, we are meant to keep our family and Christmas in our hearts every day, always, not just once a year. That way, we are never truly apart. So hopefully I'll be home for Christmas next year. Until then, I will patiently peel another orange.

I Really Did It

Where do I even begin?

I have been in New York exactly one week (well, only four and a half days actually living in the new apartment). Getting set up was pretty stressful and we about ran ourselves all over Queens. My parents were here to help me move in, thank God. Saying goodbye to them was so hard. The day I left Texas, I had bravely fought back emotions parting with my best friend and my dog, but I just couldn't anymore when my Mom and Dad had to leave. We squabble from time to time, but being with them makes me want to be a better person and make them proud.

We did get to spend our last night here together in Manhattan. Everyone has to brave the hoopla at Christmas time at least once in their lives and go see Rockefeller Center with hot cups of Dean & Deluca, and go to Macy's. It truly is magical. We even spied a couple mid-proposal. I waited and offered to take their picture! It even snowed a few flurries, too!

Since then, I have not ventured far past the nearest surrounding blocks only because I am attempting to memorize the neighborhood. Hahaha. For someone so directionally challenged, I sure do choose to live in very big cities. The good thing about New York is that, when all else fails, you can easily circle the block and go back the way you came! Tonight I am making my first attempt at a subway trip by myself. Keep your fingers crossed.

It has been very quiet thus far and I have felt a little cooped up, although I try to get out and walk around a while every day. I am not one who needs to have excitement all the time or go out every night to enjoy myself though. Though I feel isolated at the moment, I have some activities lined up for the month that I am excited about! I even bought myself a little bitty tree and hung a little strand of lights on it. This is the first Christmas away from home for me, but I will be okay I think.

I do not have a new job yet, though I did have one lead that may or may not work out. In the mean time, I am submitting resumes and applications, and trying to organize contacts. I will find something, I am sure.

Tomorrow however, I think I shall enjoy myself a little and make use of my Metro Card, perhaps re-visit the Met Museum!

Holly Hobby

I mentioned that I love to cook and bake. I am a little bit of a nerd when it comes to "home-maker" hobbies and entertaining. I enjoy making others happy and creating new memories and one of the best ways to do that is through food. I think a lot of that has to do with my mixed heritage of countries very "culinarily-conscious" and strong in familial closeness. My family is always thinking and talking about food. We even discuss it while we are eating!

A meal is often more than nourishment. How can we as humans not be so enthused about eating? It is only natural. To prepare and consume requires the use of every sense which causes heightened awareness of our physical and mental state. We eat passionately, when we are joyful, sad, stressed, and so on. We connect our memories (pleasant or not), with the sensory-imagery of food. We are reminded of the people whose hands served us or sat with us, the places we have travelled or want to see one day, and how we felt while we dined. We may not always recall the name of that restaurant we enjoyed so much on a road trip long ago or every exact ingredient our mothers used, but that is not important. What matters is what it meant to us, that we store it away in our hearts.

I have heard it said that food is our greatest democracy, the great equalizer. It is certainly true! Every culture the world over depends upon the necessity of sustainance to survive. Every country has their own method or version of the same dishes. We all use mostly the exact same ingredients even! The common threads of cuisine unites us. I know it would be an exaggeration to say that all the world's troubles could be solved by food! All I am saying is that there is something very powerful, an underlying message. Aren't we all just people with the same basic needs and emotions? We rely on eachother to nurture and provide, to show compassion. If we could serve one another as we do when we share a meal, perhaps this world could be a more peaceful, understanding place. Call me sentimental and naive if you wish.

On a lighter note, this is my favorite time of year to create in the kitchen. I adore autumnal ingredients. I am not the type of person to think too highly of myself, but I have to toot my own horn a little in regards to my zucchini bread and pumpkin loaf! Then in winter, I make soups and stews, all the comforts of warmth and home. Christmas is a big deal. A large branch of my ancestry in Sicilian, so we have never been like most families with the whole WASP-y-Norman Rockwell feast. No, we slave all day Christmas Eve and the day before preparing polpette, braciole and vermicelli in suga, insalata (more like a relish than a salad really), and once in a blue moon if there is time, crab stuffed mushroom caps. It is truly a labor of love! This year will be the first year away from my family at Christmas time. Come heck or high water, there will be a Sicilian-Italian dinner for me, even if it is small!

I could go on and on about this kind of thing (I am not kidding) so I better stop here while I am ahead!

Trip to NYC (Part II)

"Silver Lining"

Now for the more cheery part!

Our apartment is really quite a find, I feel. Though it is small, it is very bright and has a lot of character (only natural for a building at least 75 years old). I cannot wait till we can gradually decorate it and make it more home-y. As far as convenience is concerned, that was the real selling point. It is so easy to get to and from the city. There are many laundromats, colorful produce markets, discount and nice stores, banks, medical facilities merely steps away. There are lovely cafes of all kinds everywhere you look. A lot of establishments are open late to 24 hours which is always a bonus. I know it is not Manhattan (pooh-pooh it if you like), but what I really like about Astoria is that it has a lot more visible sky than Manhattan, but it has that ecclectic, urban feel to balance things out. We were there on Halloween when families were taking the little kiddos out all day long, and the leaves had changed colors. It appears to be as safe a neighborhood as you can find anywhere else. Obviously, I will be cautious anywhere I go, but I did not feel that I was in a seedy part of town at all.

Our broker was the most wonderful, interesting woman. She comes from Bulgaria and her voice is reminiscent of Julia Child (with an accent)! While it is charmingly humorous when she mixes up pronunciations or American sayings ("You will have time for see-sighting now, yes?"), the respect she has garnered in the community, which she knows like the back of her hand, is inspiring. She came to the U.S. about 17 years ago, having grown up under communist rule. She had been an engineer, a good one, and had to start all over again. She has seen a lot of hardship, but is incredibly positive. She was so patient and dedicated to helping us from the time we contacted her over a month ago through this weekend. She works on the same block as our place, so I feel comforted by that. Our landlords have been equally nice so far and I really hope they will like us as tenants also!

Our last night there, we did get a little time to visit my friends (one of the coolest couples I know) who live on the Upper West Side. Before we even made it to their floor, their adorable rescue beagle came to greet us on the steps! They have been so helpful and I have a lot to learn from them both. Luckily I was able to eat something decent by then because we went to Land Thai!

What am I going to do next? Believe me, I have so many lists going it would make your head spin. Let's just say that I will update as things unroll. I am going to attempt to take one thing off the list at a time.

Trip to NYC (Part I)

"Stormy Weather"

Well, we got back last night from New York. The trip was successful overall, although to tell the truth, it began rather strangely. I was almost afraid the signs were ominous! Driving home from work Thursday was an adventure all its own, with nearly impassable roads and sheets of rain, taking hours to get home. The next morning was clear as can be thankfully, but the tension was thick between "certain individuals" because of nerves I suppose. After a packed flight, we arrived at the hotel at midnight and retired straight away to rest up for a full day of apartment hunting with the broker. This was meant to be a short trip so we really had to get down to business. We have been to NYC about 5-6 times now though, so I did not mind missing out on the leisure too much.

I felt strange on Saturday morning almost instantaneously but chalked it up to anxiety. No sooner had we purchased our metro cards and awaited the subway when I knew something was definitely wrong. I felt so nauseated and dizzy that I had to sit down with my head to my knees and we missed the first train. A really kind lady offered me a water bottle, proving that stereotypes are not always true of course. I was just glad she didn not flee like I was carrying H1N1! Anyway, I sucked it up and we made it to Astoria with plenty of time. I have to say, normally I would think nothing of little shops with goat carcass hanging in the window, but on this particular occasion, I veered my eyes on purpose.

We looked all day, comparing seven different places--it can be difficult with a very modest budget, but we had plenty to choose from and wanted to see a wide range for our own education. In the end we found a nice compromise; a great deal by most standards actually. It was a long and overwhelming day, especially when your head and stomach are a ticking time bomb. Honestly, I felt extremely pressured. I wanted so badly to make the right decision, an adult decision, but I still felt like a child. I do not know if there is a curse that comes with being the youngest child or what! It does not matter how old you are or how prepared and organized, there will always be a wealth of decisions that are out of your control. Until the day I die, there will always be someone telling me what I should and should not do. I was disappointed that I was not allowed to do this entirely on my own (I was more than ready to, just like millions do every day), but sometimes, you just have to accept help when it is offered. That said, I am truly grateful, humbled and blessed. I have always known this, but more so now than if I were a child.

Anyway, I almost made it out of the broker's office that evening but could not without having to confess that I just had to sit back down again. Everyone said I simply needed to eat--we had not eaten since about 7am and it was nearly 6pm--but at that point, my state of mind and physical being were not exactly conducive to discussing who has the best souvlaki in town! I am positive I turned five shades of green. Armed with water and apple juice, I got back to the hotel okay. I had some soup, sprite and a little fruit from the cafe next door. Big. Mistake. Huge. We'll leave it at that.

I rested most of Sunday, determined to see "West Side Story" as planned. I was really trying to move forward and relieve some of the worry. It is so difficult to leave things up to God and fate. I know that is the whole point; life is supposed to be a challenge. Still...

We returned to Queens in the morning to finalize things on my end. It was a much improved experience although I was still nervous. None of this feels real yet. It is far, far different to do it than even the years upon years of planning and scheming. I have to say, the load is a little lighter. There is still so much to do, and quickly, but at least I know one part is checked off the agenda. If only my mind would shut up and quit jumping thither and yon, far into the future then right to this minute! I wanted to move sooner--funny, that was supposed to be long ago if I had my way-- but I promised to be home for Thanksgiving at least, so the official move in date is December 4th. I think it is a conspiracy to have me in charge of the cooking! Kidding.

Just around the corner

This is a big month for me! I will be visiting New York Halloween weekend to look for apartments, so I guess the actual move in date will be mid November or at least before Christmas if everything works out. I am terrified, but I try my best to channel that energy into excitement.

The whole process has been...interesting, to say the least and I have been researching like a mad woman for months now. My poor family and friends have been inundated with emails and questions from me! I really appreciate all the advice they have given.

The most difficult part aside from finances, is not being able to really take action. Everything happens much more quickly up there so it is not as if I can snag an apartment and a job in advance. I have to be ready to strike while the iron is hot, as they say.

There are so many blanks right now but I have to remember that everything works out the way it should in the end. I have no earthly idea what I will discover in all this change--about myself, about my future--but I am of the belief of late that sometimes our success is limited because we are not challenging ourselves more. We can actually do better at something more difficult. I have grown up so much in the past few years but I know that this will help me to fully become my own person. I like to think I have been an independent person throughout my life and that I am a resilient young woman. There are more and more days when I do feel proud about my life decisions. Still, I am striving to be more brave. Perhaps I am being selfish in all of this. Anyway, I will never know until I try and open myself up to possibility.

More updates to come post apartment searching bonanza. Keep your fingers crossed!

Now What?

The show closed very well! So what to do now...

Well, this is the first time in a year that I do not have another show going on simultaneously or at least lined up. That is always scary for an actor, but it is actually a positive for now because I have so much I need to take care of before I move (to NYC that is). Now I have time to work on finding new pieces, get headshots retaken, try to pare down on what I cannot take with me from my apartment, as well as aquire some necessities that I do not have yet. Then there are lessons--voice and dance--to catch up on. Oh, and I need clothes. Do not mistake me, I want them but I really do need them, too! I feel like a bag lady, except I practically live out of my car these days.

I am also going to visit my sister and my brother in law, plus the little one to be.

As for New York, the actual date of departure is undecided except that it will be in mid to late October if all goes well. I have a future roomie who I have known for a few years now. It is all so exciting and frightening at once. I know many people who have moved there recently or have been living there for some time, so I know I am not alone in this and can always ask for help!

So Thoroughly Modern

I cannot believe it is already August! It is just that time of year for everyone, I think, to try to cram as much in up to the punch as possible. Things certainly have been busy. Then again, that in itself is a blessing.

This week concludes our run of "Thoroughly Modern Millie" at Texas Repertory Theatre here in Houston. We really do have a terrific show and I will be sad to leave it behind. It has been a rewarding experience and also difficult in more ways than I expected. It has been so hard to allow myself to really relax and enjoy it all, simply because I care too much. I am a perfectionist with the things I care about the most. As hard as I always try to work, I want it to show in my performance. I nit-pick on myself way too much and that hinders more than helps sometimes. Aren't we always our worst critics? On the other hand, I am delighted with our whole cast and the end result of a passionate and dedicated process. I am so proud to have been a part of it.

A special part about it for me, is that this musical was the first Broadway production I ever saw and on my very first visit to New York. I remember it was just after the Tony awards in 2002, so I was able to see the original cast (including one of my favorite actresses)! That trip came at a "landmark" in my life so I hope things are finally coming full circle, or maybe just beginning...

To Begin With...

I admittedly joined this blog spot because my sister has one following her progress as a mom-to-be (her very first). I figured I might as well have one also to write about the many adventures of a girl trying to make it in this big world.

I am an actress. Most of my training and passion is dedicated to musical theatre, but I enjoy a wide range of artistic expression. I want to do it all! I write, paint, design, sketch, cook--oh, lot's of things.

Then, of course, I am a friend, daughter, sister (and future aunt). My family and friends are more important and dear to me than I can possibly explain. If you should read these posts, you will hear a lot about them along with career updates. Oh, and probably bunches about my beloved bassett hound, Daisy!